my heart belongs to the lone star state

happy texas independence day!

it has come to my attention that people from other states are woefully ignorant of texas history. i find this shocking and appalling. so, to help my unfortunate friends, i am going to offer a quick recap of the history of the greatest state in the universe.

so. in the beginning, there were indians in texas. and then some guy named stephen f. austin was like, "hey, texas is awesome. i am going to bring a whole heck of a lot of white people with me and we're going to live there." this is why he is known as the father of texas.

but there are lots of issues. you've got americans and indians and spaniards and mexicans and texans all killing each other. for some fun insight, read blood meridien by cormac mccarthy. it is delightfully bloody.

texas eventually decides that we don't like mexico. and we're going to rule ourselves. i think it has something to do with slavery. as in, we like having slaves. and mexico doesn't.

there are lots of fun battles. it begins with the battle of goliad. we lose. lots of soldiers are massacred.

and then of course the battle at the alamo. the alamo was a mission which, for some god forsaken reason, was turned into a fort. we lost that one too. lots of soldiers are massacred. including james bowie and davy crockett. people still run around saying "remember the alamo." and every good texas schoolchild has visited the mission.

finally, we decide we're going to win this war anyway possible.

so sam houston takes a bunch of soldiers and surprises the mexican army during their afternoon siesta at san jacinto. they cut off the mexican army's only escape route, run in like crazy guys yelling "remember goliad" and "remember the alamo" and massacre everyone.

we win. santa anna sucks. texas is independent. republic of texas!

(note to californians: you were never a real republic. no one else ever recognized you as a republic. you can't just run around and call yourself a country. but texas was recognized as an independent nation by lots of other countries. so suck it)

for some reason, we decide to join the united states. probably because we're so awesome and the united states is practically begging us to join. so we do. with the following conditions: our state capital is higher than the nation's capital building. and we are allowed to break up into 5 separate states if we choose to.

so everything is good. sorta. we've got lots of slavery issues and border disputes. but it all works out in the end.

civil war comes and goes. juneteenth day celebrates the day that the slaves in texas learned they were free. we celebrated in school by drinking big red and eating cornbread. i am quite sure this is insulting.

flash forward to 1985: tinkler moves to texas. its awesomeness is increased tenfold.

and we all live happily ever after.